Hi, Everybody!
Hi Doctor Nick!
Yes, I am writing a funny short story based on the characters in my original long long long long novel.... so I suggest you read some of that first. But even if you don't you can probably appreciate the sheer wackiness of the following, even if you don't get the 'in' jokes. Also, I do not mean to offend anyone by writing this. If you are offended by this, well you must be offended by a lot of stuff, because I am without prejudice, and so there is no bigotry here to show through. I respect everyone unless they are mean... that's about my only rule. Alright, I should have some clown music playing but I don't have a wav file of that, so here we go. *Cue Music* "Yes, we have no bananas..... we have no bananas today!
if anyone out there knows the rest of the words to the banana song please email me
Narator: Ever wonder what happens when too many holes in reality are made in an area by means of travveling by trans-space? If you have no idea what Trans-Space Thereoy is, go to my Glossary. Well, I explore this in this short story.... prepare for action! (cheap 50's action movie music plays) Our story begins when Shaylor is explaining to the other guy travellers that 'Shaylor' is not a feminine name.
Shaylor:...so you see, different alien cultures have different ideas about what is 'masculine' and what is 'feminine', so my name only sounds feminine to Terrans, Velexians, Aravillians, Myrens, Vorgons, Ingori, (he continues to list alien species)
David: So you're saying that 'Shaylor' is a feminine name?
Shaylor:(throws hands up in air) Not to Krigoni, but to you, yeah, probably.
Anto: (coughs loudly)
Shaylor: Alright, alright.... the Nu think it's a manly name, too!(reddens slightly)
Token Nu Character: Nu!
Bantu: David, I believe it's time for us to make tiny slit in reality and exit Trans-Space. (Bantu laughs inside as David tries to pull out his hair. Irritating others gains you much honor, he thinks)
David:(punchs a few buttons on his Pilot's consol) There.
Token Nu Character: Nu! Bjakrillyhoa! Nu! Hrifoslh tokklipahr? Nu!
David: Someone get that Nu outta here!
Shaylor: (sighs) I would translate that, but I'm afraid our technology in translating is so junky the original makes more sense... Anyways, it's late, I'm going to bed.
Narator: Everyone takes Shaylor's advice and turns in... StarRunner sits in space, unaware of the catastrophe in quantum-metaphysical-mechanics it has caused.... the girlies of the crew were already asleep, being the girl-next-door type, and incapable of evil things like staying up late.
The Next Morning...
Shaylor:(Shaylor wakes, dresses, and goes out into the metal corridor... something seems vaguely different, but he cannot put his finger on it. The door to Yenne's room opens.) Hi YenneAUGFH!
Yenne:(Yenne is not wearing any clothes!) What? What is it that you are jumping around about like the one who has drinken the tenthousand cups of chiapemme, Shaylor?
Shaylor:(looking at the ceiling) Um, ah, nothing, Yenne..... I gotta go! (He runs into the Command Center)
Shaylor: Audua! Guys! Yennes not.... Yenne's not.... not... (he cannot finish)
David:Not sane?
Anto:Not speaking clearly?
Bantu:Not drinking chiapemme?
Audua:Not being fair?(mutters under her breath) Finder keepers, Yenne! He's mine!
Shaylor:Not wearing clothes!!!!(Shaylor finally burst out with.)
Yenne(Walks into the Command Center nonchalantly, fliping her hair to give a better view. Shaylor, Anto, David, and Bantu all stare at the ceiling) Hi to all of you people who I am to be travelling with.
David: Yenne! Where are you clothes?
Yenne: Oh, those silly things! It's too hot in here.... you know how cold Aravil is. This is strictly for comfort only. You know how I like to dress odestly when I can. (she blows a kiss at Anto and raises her voice) Anto, have you been working out?
Anto: Erm, arhm, err....
Audua:(Marches up to Shaylor, who is studying the ceiling, and grabs him by the arm) He's mine, Yenne.
Yenne: And I'm the Goddess of Valavan!(marches over, flips her hair back again, and grabs his other arm.) Hi... Explorien Shaylor (she says in a husky, deep voice)
Shaylor:(Fidgets, and looks at the floor.)
Audua:Slut!
Yenne:Bitch!
Audua:(hisses)Whore!
Yenne: (at a loss for words...) Mine!
Audua:Mine!
Shaylor: (all the while this is happening Shaylor gets redder and redder, which is hard to do for someone with light blue skin. Finally he yanks himself free, and goes to huddle in the corner.)
Bantu:Shaylor? Are you functional?
Shaylor:(rocking back and forth as he lies in fetal position) uhn.....uhn......uhn......uhn.....
David:That's it! (seems to snap) Why did I have to be lost in space with a bunch of nutcases?
Anto: David, I'm not a nutcase, I'm your best friend!
David: Shut up, Anto! I know all about you and Bantu! (accusing tone)
Anto: What?! I don't know what you're talking about!
David: Don't deny it! You're gay lovers, I know it! I see the way you look at each other!!
Anto: David, even though homosexuality is very accepted in the 23rd century, I'm insulted... you know I'm not that way....(looks uncertain, and uncomfortable) At least, I think it's accepted nowadays...
Shaylor: uhn..... uhn...... uhn..... uhn.....
Yenne: (to Audua)You broke him, you witch!
Audua: ME?! You're the one who knows he's afraid of women! Aside from you, Miss Naked Best Friend Who Won't Let Another Person Have A Chance At Said Best Friend! (cries)
Token Nu Character: (runs in and presents forty-foot long sash with above beauty pagent "Miss Naked Best....." for Yenne.)
Yenne: Thank you, thank you very much! You love me, you really do!
Audua:Only because you parade around like a naked cow!
Shaylor:uhn.....uhn......uhn......uhn...... (still in fetal position)
Bantu: My, I believe something is wrong. (as Anto and David strangle each other, he walks calmly to the computer) It appears reality has become warped here.... we have to land on Ingor (which they were orbitting) and fix the situation using diplomacy. One to beam down. (Bantu stands like a statue waiting for the transporter..... Minutes pass.)
David: Why? Why? Why? I was always here if you needed me, Anto? Why'd you go to that fish of a Krigoni?
Anto: (looks humiliated)
Bantu: (An hour and thirteen minutes pass while Bantu waits for a transporter.) "I believe that Scotty is still repairing the transporters." (he announces to Shaylor, who is still rocking on the floor, and to the fighting Anto and David) I shall have to take a shuttle craft down. #1, you have the bridge.
Shaylor: (in his head-'idiot Krigoni! He thinks he's on the Enterprise, but I can't tell which one!-Outloud) uhn.....uhn.....uhn.....uhn.....
Narator: So, Shaylor is broken down, Anto and David are having a Lover's quarrel, and Audua and Yenne are about to kill each other. Sounds normal... wait for the return of (cue the music) Mirvenne! *Do do DO!*
Bantu: Yenne, I require your help.
Yenne: Oh, Bantu, I need your help! I'm all alone, and I'm so hot in here!(No, I don't like gratuitus nudity)
Bantu: Counseller Yenne, do stop doing that. I need you to use your empathic abilities to tell what people on Ingor are feeling.
Yenne: I can do whatever you want me to do, loverboy.
Narator: They leave for Ingor, Yenne still wearing nothing. Bantu tells her that he likes kinky things and made her wear big stickers over sensitive areas)
Audua: (suddenly comes to her senses) What the... Oh no, I get what's happening! Everyone has been foodpoisened! (runs to get her medikit)
Token Nu Character: Nu!(hands Audua her medical kit)
Audua: Give me that! (walks away) Stupid Nu, doesn't realize what's going on at all! Affirmitive action, my slight Ingori ass!
Token Nu Character:(walks to the Engineering Room and thinks about how to save StarRunner from a reality warp.)
Audua:The Medic is here! The Medic is here! (imitates ambulence siren. Only David and Anto, who are still fighting, are there to hear her.)
David:No, I think he's annoying!
Anto: No, I definently find Bantu more annoying then you!
David:Shut up, that's not true, you're lovers, remember?
Audua: Here, take this quick before you keel over! (opens her medikit and takes put hammer for testing reflexes) Say 'Ahhh!'!
Anto: Ack! Audua! I can't swallow that! (quiets his voice) I'm allergic...
Audua:(takes out a substitute drug) here, this will also work (it is her Surgery mask). Take it quick, now! (Audua sweeps out of the room, singing) "Florence NightingGale! Florence NightingGale! I'm better then Florence NightingGale!
Narator: On Nu...
Yenne: (Tries to flirt with every man in sight, and ends up flirting with Mirvenne.) Hi, you manly hunk. Let's get a room in the... (pauses for breath) Sengnes Apa (in a lower voice. Several Ingori passerbys hear her and give shocked gasps.)
Mirvenne: Yenne! I'm your cousin, Mirvenne! I'm not a guy! (she works out the name of the Ingori hotel.) "House of Leather Chickens...?" Yenne, are you OK? Why are you wearing a chapong made of PostIt Notes?
Bantu: (to Mirvenne) Ensign Ro, there's no time to explain. Reality is in a warp on Ingor, and we need your help to fix it. Three to beam to the Mirror Lake. (nothing happens, and Bantu hits his chest and repeats the phrase several times, to no avail.) It appears the Romulans have placed a jamming feild around this planet.
Mirvenne: What the hell is going on?
Yenne: Sorry, Mirvenne, but you look so manish...
Mirvenne: Why does every female character Michael Collins writes have to be either stunningly beautiful or drop dead, "mother-hit-you-in-the-face-with-a-shovel-twice-daily-and-then-your-father-beat-you-with-an-ugly-stick-for-good-measure dog?
Token Nu Character: Nu! Fallen out of ugly tree,you, hit every branch way down, on! (bounces from side to side, the Nu sign for laughter)
Mirvenne:(Hides face in shame) You'd think plastic surgery was a public right in this day and age. Honnestly!(thinks for a while) Bantu, what was that you were talking about, a Reality Warp?
Bantu: (still hitting the left side of his chest and saying in a stern voice "Number One! Are you there, Number One!") Not now, Ensign, we have a major communications crisis.
Mirvenne (sighs) I know what's really happening.... reality needs a big patch up job... well, I guess I'm up to it.
Narator: Back aboard the ship...
David: Well, I won the argument with Anto... now I should help Shaylor.
Shaylor: uhn.....uhn.....uhn.......uhn......uhn.....
David: Ok, Shaylor, snap out of it, the big scary women are gone now.
Shaylor: Really? (uncurls himself) I was afraid they were gonna rip me apart. (sees the stupid look in David's eyes) Oh, no, we're in a Reality Warp. I suppose I should try to fix things... (David massages his shoulders as he works at the Computer) Stop that, David.
David: Did I mention feminine men turn me on... Shaylor
Shaylor:Ahh! This has to be stopped! But i don't know how!!(runs around ship, screams at the sight of Audua, who is hitting herself on the head with a rubber hammer to test her mental reflexes. Finally he comes across the Token Nu Character) Hey! Do you know how to fix a Reality Warp?
Token Nu Character: Nu!(Shaylor expects a heavy accent or nothing at all, but the Nu says) I say, Shaylor old chap, it's about time another member of this jolly crew found some manners, eh wot? I say, we're in quite a pickle, and to remove ourselves from it we need to go to where thi whole bloody mess started- Mirror Lake. Tallyho! (the Nu and Shaylor take an escape pod down)
Narator: On Ingor...
Yenne: Man, I'm hot! Wow! (sees giant watches melting over cubes) See, it is only for comfort.
Bantu:Engage! Energize! Make it so! Beam me up! Why aren't my chatchphrases working???(whines)
Mirvenne: There it is- the vortex from where the distortions of reality originate!(cheers) All I have to do is plug it!
Shaylor:(starts faintly and increases in volume) yyyeeeeeaaaaAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (splashs down into the Mirror Lake. A thousand Ingori Preists rush out and carryhim into the temple, because some old Ingori had a prophecy about the chosing one splashing down into Mirror Lake.
Token Nu Character: I say, this is a jolly fix. Now, it appears all I need to do is plug up the vortex monstosity that swirls about over there. Tallyho!( runs over to vortex at the same time Mirvenne does.)
Mirvenne: Ouch! (they bang heads, and are sucked into the vortex, plugging the hole in reality. Things return to normal- David and Anto are no longer Gay, Bantu no longer thinks he's a captain of the Enterprise, Yenne realizes the shame of gratuitus nudity, Audua has her real medical knowledge returned to her, and Shaylor is no longer afraid of women. Phew!)
Yenne: Hey, lookit! (two pairs of legs are kicking furiously in thin air. They belong to Mirvenne and Token Nu. All Ingori run out to worship the apparition as the portent of their new ruler, Shaylor Getmeouttahere, and his coming)
Bantu: Are you sure things are back to normal, Mr.Narator?
Narator:Syre as sure can be! Sure as sugar! Yep, pretty sure! Oops, one last thing I always forgot to add to the book... (Bantu grows a 'stash) Bye bye boys and girls, and remember- Don't do Trans-Space!)
As I said before, I did not intend to offend anyone with this story. If I offened any groups- nudists, homosexuals, ugly women, the zealously religious, those afraid of women, Doctors... if you were offended I did not mean it.... this was a joke! For fun! So call off your layers! I said call 'em off! Argh! One of 'em bit me!!!
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